Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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