Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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