Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
