Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize