If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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