you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
