They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
