I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I party with great urgency now.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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