Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
