Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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