Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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