a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
