his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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