Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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