The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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