i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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