i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
