I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
