I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
