I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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