At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
