I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
