i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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