at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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