So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize