wrigley field is MILF paradise
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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