literally had 100 drinks last night.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
