the day after is always just damage control
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
