I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There r osticjed everywhere
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
