she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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