just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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