So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
no you cant smoke seaweed
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
