is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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