I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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