I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize