my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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