it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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