I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
