The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
