He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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