I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I wish you could order shots online.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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