so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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