I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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