i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize