i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
