you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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