a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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