how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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