apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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