woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize