remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sext me about skeletons
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