Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
