well I can't set my house on fire every night
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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