I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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