My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
