Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
3 2 1 whiskey
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
