I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
