I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
