just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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