I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
