all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
