I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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