please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
