Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
foreskin is a definite game changer
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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