What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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