That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
