why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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