Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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