Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
